No strings: Relax, the first date isn’t the deal-breaker
Finally, those weeks of awkward Hinge ping-pong have led up to the main event: The first date. Palpitations. Suddenly, everything matters. The venue can’t be a cliché, obviously. It’s got to be an escape room, a palm-reading session, a wrestling match. Are jeans too casual? Is a dress too try-hard? The icebreakers are locked and loaded: Netflix faves, bucket-list countries, Lolla dream line-up, to Comic Con or not to Comic Con.
Then, the real questions: Who should pay? Should you kiss? When should you text? And, of course, were you your best, most glitch-free self? First dates are now high-pressure situations. Blame it on the movies. Or the books. Or the entire romance industrial complex. “They make love at first sight seem like a moment you can trust. But in real life, that moment is rarely the full picture,” says psychologist Aekta Brahmbhatt.
The biggest myth: Every first-time conversation should flow like Céline’s and Jesse’s during their walk through Vienna in Before Sunrise. Everyone wants the chemistry to crackle like Patrick and Kat’s paintball date in 10 Things I Hate About You. People expect to instantly match each other’s freaks like Tom and Summer playing house at an Ikea store in 500 Days of Summer. Dating apps have only made it worse, turning romance into a high-speed audition process. Swipe, assess, discard. There’s no room for error. Spinach in his teeth? Ick. She mispronounces your name? Ick. They haven’t heard of Sigur Ros. Ick.
It’s no wonder that first dates now feel like a job interview crossed with an opening-night performance. Both parties bring their best selves – carefully casual fit, funny anecdote at the ready, a quick review of the book they’re pretending to read. Each is overthinking every sip and syllable. “Some of my clients say they nibble just two bites, afraid of seeming greedy,” says Brahmbhatt. “There’s such a fear of rejection that people forget they’re supposed to be themselves.”
Even if things go well, our brains aren’t exactly reliable judges. We’re wired for what psychologists call the halo effect. One good trait makes us believe the rest of the person must be equally wonderful. If someone has a sense of humour, we assume they’re also kind, smart, emotionally stable, and probably good with cats. We even collect “evidence” to prove our crush is flawless. Do they read books? Soulmate. Laugh at the same Fleabag jokes? Marriage material. But what we call chemistry can be deceptive. Those butterflies might just be anxiety, not genuine connection.
If the date bombs and they don’t call back, it feels disproportionally personal. We assume we weren’t charming enough, hot enough, interesting enough. But the truth is, they didn’t even know you. They just saw the first-date version of you. And even that version was filtered through their own biases. “Sometimes it’s just timing or emotional energy, not you,” says Brahmbhatt.
It can take months for someone to drop their guard, and for a connection to reveal itself. When the pressure is off, there’s space for awkward silences, inside jokes, and shared vulnerability. “When I talk to couples who’ve had love marriages, it’s almost never instant. It usually takes at least nine months, sometimes longer. Most of them met in college or at work, or while collaborating on something. Over time, they got to know each other, realised they genuinely enjoyed spending time together, and gradually took the relationship forward,” adds Brahmbhatt. “You can’t fast-track that in a single meeting. What you shouldn’t expect is instant clarity or the feeling of ‘this is my person’. Korean romances get it right: Slow burns can be worth the wait.
From HT Brunch, October 18, 2025
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